“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)
Part 5

PERSONAL APPLICATIONS, PERSONAL REFLECTIONS AND DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:

Reminder:

Learning to leave your parents and helping them to learn to leave you challenging!

Quite often one or both sides will refuse to accept the revealed will of God to allow for adult separation and independence.

Question:

What could be some of the reasons why one or both sides do not allow this change to take place?

Reminder:

We must learn to relate to our parents as a peer, as an adult son or daughter, NOT as a grown child with dependencies and needs emotionally, physically, or spiritually.

If need be, as we get a handle on this, we may need to help our parents learn to relate to us as an adult son or daughter, not as a grown child.

They may still be having some of their own mothering or fathering “needs” being met in your relationship to this day.

Question:

What might be the difference between an adult son or daughter versus a grown child?

Question:

What steps can we take to alter our perspectives and bring about appropriate changes within our lives?

Question:

As we begin to get a handle on implementing these steps, what ways can we help a noncompliant parent detach from us?

Reminder:

My relationship with my parents becomes “elective” rather than “duty” because the parental authority requests or demands it.

My bond and allegiance turns toward my spouse…”United we stand…divided we fall.”

If we do not leave our parents and bond to our spouse, serious challenges will arise which will affect our marriage, parenting, life development and our destiny in service for the Lord.

Reminder: 

If I am still attached to a parent in an unhealthy manner as an adult, I am inadvertently passing along a life lesson to my children that they may emulate.

Much of the time, family systems perpetuate and propagate unhealthiness from generation to generation.

As an adult, I need to look back at my childhood as well as their childhood and attempt to understand my parent’s positive skills as well as their attachment injuries that affected my upbringing.

I need to view my family of origin accurately, not for the purpose of parent bashing, but rather to assess how I may have been positively or negatively affected in my preparation for adulthood and adult relationships.

If I am to become a successful parent, I must successfully navigate the experience of leaving and cleaving from my own family of origin so that I can prepare myself and my children to successfully leave me as their parent when it is their time.

I cannot teach or model what I have not learned myself.

For the first time in 35 years, Kay and I are now empty nesters.

Our home is much quieter and cleaner than when all six of us were all here.

Sad?

Yes, to some degree.

Yet, we now have four new adult friends as well as spouses and boyfriends that we enjoy immensely.

Question:

Why is it so hard to look “objectively” at our past as well as our parent’s performance as parents?

How might one go about doing this?

Question:

How is marriage harmed when there is a failure to “leave” parents?

Question:

What could be some positive “elective” versus “obligatory” relational goals toward your parents?

Question: 

If you are still very dependent upon one or both of your parents, talk about the emotion of fear that keeps you there.

Have you left your parents?

Have they left you?

 

Praying for you in your journey of leaving home and making a new one,

Milan and Kay