Helping the Vacillator Leader

Here are a few things I see as important growth steps vacillator leaders need to take.   Having worked with so many vacillators (leaders and laity) I grown to love and like them… even when they are in the rough.

Kay refers to me as the Vacillator Whisperer.

I kind of like that.

The one thing I don’t do is walk on egg shells around them.  I’m loving yet direct.  So in that spirit, here are some of the high points that I recommend all vacillator leaders take:

  • Stop looking for ideal love, churches, jobs, friends, and lovers.  You are never going to find them.
  • Accept reality.  This is as good as it gets
  • Cut yourself and others some slack.  Others will not feel that certain things are as important as you do.  Accept differing values and preferences.
  • Don’t fall in love with an adoring fan.  You will loose your job.  God will be angry and hurt and eventually your relationship with them will lose intensity just as your current one has.
  • Accept your current spouse for who they are.  Stop wishing, longing and hunting for an ideal soul mate.  They don’t exist.  That’s not to say you can’t take your current relationship to new heights… you can.  But you will never get there by looking at your spouse with contempt for not being something you want them to be.
  • Stop flirting and dressing up so much.  The adrenaline hit you get when you flirt is addictive.  Did you ever think of yourself as addicted to love?  More accurately, addicted to falling in love.
  • Your desire for intense love and connection is born out of hurt and disappointment as a child.  Your parents giving you little connection that felt like it lasted.  Grieve that loss and take it to the Cross of Christ instead of looking for some adult to fulfill that childhood wound. It’s a childlike wish, not a realistic expectation within an adult, reality based world.
  • When you get angry, stop and focus on the hurt inside… get sad not mad.
  • Accept input from others and don’t reject others just because they don’t agree with your ideal vision for your life or ministry.  View theses people as gifts from God, who are providing balance to your tilt toward ideal outcomes. They are not bad people to be rejected.
  • Face your depression squarely and grieve the pain of reality instead of seeking another idealistic goal to run after.
  • Instead of seeing others as causing you pain and trying to hurt you, view them as broken and yourself as well.  See yourself as ultra sensitive and overly needy with respect to reassurance and positive reinforcement.
  • Go on a good hunt for yourself and others when you feel “all bad” toward them or yourself.
  • Accept the realistic fact that as a leader, many people will simply not like you nor will they wish to send praises your way.  Love them anyway.  If many people don’t love / like Jesus, then many people will not love / like you.

Having said all that, I am not suggesting that you settle for mediocrity in leadership, rather strive for reality based excellence.

Thanks for listening.


Milan and Kay

Next week we will begin to discuss how to help the Controller Leader.