Vacillators are sensitive individuals who got inconsistent connection as kids.
They got enough connection to know they liked it and wanted more.
Preoccupied, busy parents kept the longing on high, which is the source of a vacillators core issue….wanting connection having to wait for it, feeling like it’s on others terms and getting angry about not getting enough.
Vacillators are great receivers when they are not too angry to receive.
Sadly, they are often too mad and end up sabotaging the very connection they long for.
Vacillators feel their long list of hurts and dissatisfactions must all be acknowledged, atoned for and never repeated in order for them to receive from their spouse.
Their razor sharp memories for details of their mate’s infractions make the list of mistakes long and their anger and resentment is often deep.
Vacillators see their spouse as the problem and have a hard time acknowledging that childhood memories are at the root of these feelings. It is important for the vacillator to acknowledge their anger began a long time ago in childhood.
Idealizing the future is one of the ways vacillators cope and during the teen years marriage is foreseen as the relationship that will rescue the vacillator from feeling unseen and misunderstood.
One of the biggest challenges for the vacillator is to be willing receive from an imperfect mate that has hurt them.
I have had many willing partners married to vacillators who were willing to grow and learn to do a better job at connecting.
Their mate’s willingness was not the problem.
The vacillators anger was the problem.
In reality, no person will match up to the idealized version of what the vacillator hopes for.
Pain is a part of all relationships.
We live in a broken world.
Getting a vacillator to be really specific about what they want and need is another challenge.
They are very aware they are not getting what they want but when asked to articulate exactly what a mate could do to please them the vacillators is often as a loss to give a clear description.
Being very specific can help.
Giving for the Vacillator can be hampered by anger as well.
Their sensitivity and charm enable vacillators to be amazing givers.
Since vacillators have some ability to connect they are able to give in a way that endears others to them. Giving may stop abruptly when the vacillator is disappointed and “withholding” is another way anger may be demonstrated.
We can see why finding middle ground and integrating good and bad is so important to the vacillators growth.
Really allowing their mate and kids to be imperfect and a willingness to let go of resentment, frees the vacillator to give and receive.
Milan & Kay
Next Week: Controllers and Victims as Givers and Receivers