Milan and I have been with an extra ordinary amount of people this week who are despairing, grieving, stretching to hold onto their faith. The battle has been intense. These words come from the time in my own life when hope was crushed.

The Mystery of God

Desire…the hunger of the soul for life vibrant, eyes locked in understanding, skin touching in warm embrace, feet dancing to the rhythms of life. Longing to experience life as God intended before the rebellion began.

Glimpses of perfection. Light dancing through shimmering leaves. A wet, wailing newborn placed in mama’s arms for the first time. Moments of deep connection when hearts reveal their story in the scared space of grace.

Desire thwarted. Prayer unanswered. Longing crushed. Frantic, searching for seeds of hope, watering, waiting, trying to keep “wanting” alive. But desire withers, brown thirsty, unquenched, it lies motionless, a shrunken seed under the scorching sun of disappointment.

Desire lost. Hope smothered until no breath is left, no energy to even try to kindle a spark or nurse a dying ember back to life.

How do I desire the one who has let hope die? How do I long for the one who watched me plead and stood quiet? Desire and hope have torn me to pieces. Loss has swallowed me whole.

I go down into the belly of the whale, into the dark tomb where threads of trust hold me in the shrouded mystery of God. I lay here quiet for a long time, shards of broken hope scattered around me.

God rocks me quiet on those threads of trust giving me time, space. I am learning to rest in the mystery of God, more deeply acknowledging the crushing brokenness of this world held by dark tentacles of sin. My faith is learning to rest, solid on the final victory when all His children are in his presence and every tear is wiped away.

Now, we see dimly. But then face to face with our great God, battle won…. Forever.
Desire, longing, hope fulfilled far beyond what my mind can conceive, all God has prepared for me, whom he loves.