Abuse and Submission

Abuse and Submission
… What’s Biblical and what’s intolerable?
Fourth of a four part series.

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage?

What exactly does abuse mean?

When do we turn the other cheek?

 Abuse Case Study #1:

I received a phone call from a woman seeking pre-marital counseling for her and her fiancé.

After a few moments, she added, “I must tell you that there has been an occurrence of domestic violence … he hit me.”

I told her that was sad and asked her why she was marrying someone who would hurt her.

She indicated that she was a young mom with three kids and felt fortunate that someone would be willing to take them all into his family.

I then asked a simple question, “What were you doing just before he hit you?”

There was silence as she contemplated my question.  “Well, it was New Year’s Eve, we were both drinking and he wasn’t paying attention to me so I got into his face and was yelling and screaming at him trying to get him to talk with me.

I guess that I called him one too many bad names and he slapped me as he told me to get away.”

Who was the abuser here?

Who was the victim?

Was her original portrayal of the relationship accurate?

She was probably a Vacillator who has separation intolerance.

He was most likely an avoider or a worn out pleaser who was pushed over the brink by her uninterrupted barrage of words and invasion of his personal space by her intrusiveness.

In this case, the Vacillator female is the more volatile and violent one and the Avoider male reacted in anger as he was backed into a corner.

Should he have hit her?


He should have gotten up and gone for a walk.

If she had grabbed him, hit him or physically assaulted him in any way (which male and female Vacillators have been known to do), he should have called the police and had her detained by a Deputy.

It is always important to get help when you are in a chaotic or violent home as well as documenting the behavior of the violent one so that a legal paper trail is established.

To be continued…


Milan and Kay