Core Patterns tend to manifest in predictable, cyclical behavior patterns. Below is the pattern common to relationships where both partners have the Avoider Love Style

1. Typical Conversations Between Two Avoiders

  • How’s the weather?
  • What’s the stock market doing?
  • Did you feed the dog?
  • I got a promotion at work!

2. Connection is Primarily Based on Tasks

  • Minimal affection (the dog gets all the affection).
  • Problems get minimized.
  • Emotions are avoided.
  • Both independent.
  • Both go for the quick fix.
  • “You’re fine.”
  • Get over it and move on.

3. Stress or Crisis Provoke Feelings

This system works until stress or crisis provoke feelings or distress in one partner. That partner may be unable to “get over it” and feel distress they cannot manage.  A crisis may cause emotions and needs to surface, often for the first time as an adult.

4. System Breaks Down

One partner may start to feel more emotions, creating a need for comfort and support; however, their partner (also an avoider) will resist change. This creates an emotional stalemate and stresses the relationship in new ways neither can manage.

5. Crisis

Conflict erupts over the crisis as both partners  are used to avoiding difficult topics and unable to provide comfort.

Repeat

This cycle repeats and blocks close connection in the relationship.

Break the Cycle

Core Patterns: Avoider + Avoider & Pleaser + Pleaser

One audio file and two PDFs provide an in-depth look at the Avoider/Avoider and the Pleaser/Pleaser which are Less Common Core Pattern Combinations. There is one audio file and two PDF’s; one for each style. Each PDF contains a circular diagram of the core pattern, explanations, and all applicable interventions to exit the destructive dance.

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